Relationships are Inefficient

Original Medium Post HERE

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Or maybe “efficiency” is

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I prepared for my first date with my future wife like all first dates: I sent her a computerized compatibility quiz to take alone at home. The quiz was timed, of course.

We were reconnecting because she had interned at the organization that became Silver Lining Mentoring, which I had founded, several years before. I knew we had at least some values in common. There might be compatibility here.

We scored a 97%.

We progressed to our first date: an hour with a financial analyst helping us develop a hypothetical family budget. We had a rough outline of that budget in an hour: a strong starting point.

That worked well enough for us to progress to a second date: an hour with a career coach to explore the complementarity of our career goals.

(We of course split the cost of all these dates strictly down the middle).

A week later, we received our career coach report — and agreed our compatibility warranted a second date.

Years later, my wife and I went for a 30-minute walk to optimize daily Vitamin D absorption and daily cardiovascular fitness.

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You can stop judging me (and Vanessa). That’s not really what happened.

Relationships aren’t efficient (at least not in that way)

Is the “inefficiency” of relationships one reason relationships are suffering so much in our culture? Is it one reason loneliness is increasing while the average number of close friends Americans have is decreasing?[1]

Our culture is obsessed with productivity and efficiency. By one estimate, we spend $10-$11 billion a year on self-improvement. We love life “hacks” that can help us improve as efficiently as possible.

We know we should be fit. We specify the number of minutes to market ab workouts. We aim to maximize ab benefit in as few minutes as possible.[2]

We don’t read as much any more, but we listen to audiobooks to multitask while reading. Then we find just the right speed (is yours 1.5x? 2x?) to maximize the quantity of content we absorb.

We try to do this with relationships too. We text instead of calling and like people’s Instagram posts instead of catching up in person. Unfortunately, these tech connections are massively displacing in-person connections and leading to Americans spending much more time alone. When they displace deeper connection, these relationship hacks just don’t hack it.

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What if relationships are efficient — and “efficiency” is not?

Let’s roughly define “efficient” as the fastest, easiest path from Point A to Point B.

Efficiency only helps if we choose the right Point B. Otherwise, it can cause harm — moving us more efficiently away from our destination.

For many humans, The Point B is a life of joy (sustained emotional wellbeing over time), of meaning and impact, of love and health. For many of us, The Ultimate Point B is to leave the world a bit better off because we lived.

Any productivity, or life, or efficiency hack that moves us even the least bit away from The (Ultimate) Point B is the definition of inefficiency and unproductivity.

Our SmartPhones, computers, smart glasses, and software won’t sit by our bedsides when we are sick, celebrate our weddings, or attend our funerals. We can use those devices as tools to strengthen and celebrate our relationships, but we must be mindful to do that. Across the world, on average, we have unconsciously let these technologies displace and weaken our connections instead.

The messy, wonderful, frustrating, exciting, boring, patient, tedious, loving, unpredictable, wildly windy path of relationships actually is the most efficient path of all.

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Maximizing the impact of our relationships (a hack-free guide)

Although I mocked our pursuit of “fill-in-the-blank”-minute abs, I am a big proponent of the “8-minute phone call”; 8 minutes is better than no time connecting.

We should celebrate little steps toward stronger relationships — because every step helps, and celebrating the small wins can motivate us to keep doing better. We just need to remember the 8-minute phone call is a step, not a complete answer.

For most of us, there isn’t an optimal point — a summit on the curve — for our health and wellbeing, where we should stop investing in relationships. According to The Harvard Study, “there was one — and only one — characteristic that distinguished the happiest 10 percent from everybody else: the strength of their social relationships.”

To maximize the impact of our relationships, we just need to spend more focused time with others and develop relational skills — like listening, compassion, and maybe humor.

Our inability to hack relationships is a good thing. Relationships should be fun (most of the time), nurturing, sustaining, and challenging. We shouldn’t track how they benefit us too closely; attempting to hack relationships takes away from the magic altruism and relationshipness of connection.

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Paths to The Ultimate Point B

Here are some thoughts about less efficient ways to point B’s that are much more efficient paths to The Ultimate Point B

• Calling people on their birthdays instead of messaging on social media

• Sending hand-written thank you notes and postcards

• Walking and saying hi as we go, instead of driving somewhere local

• Shopping in-person locally

• Recognizing the importance of the “inefficient” work of relationship building for efficient, effective, productive workplaces

• Designing products and places with the efficient inefficiency of relationships at the center

I’ve got a long way to go on all this — and am just hoping if we all keep talking about it, we can get closer to The Ultimate Point B together.

Please share your ideas and . . .

Stay joyful, East Boston.

This is the 44th post about boosting joy the only way we can: in community. Please share, subscribe, and join our movement by emailing me or supporting East Boston Social Centers.

1. Read more in our blogs that highlight the declining number of friendships and increasing loneliness.

2. See this 2 minute video for 1 minute abs.