How to become friends with your children’s pediatrician

Original Medium Post HERE

This blog is available in five different languages. To select your preferred language, simply click on the yellow button located in the lower right-hand corner of your screen.

Vanessa’s four steps for building strong relationships

Vanessa (in black) and Kim (in white) clicked through brief work interactions when they were at separate organizations. Vanessa came to work for Kim not knowing Kim would become one of her very best friends and her daughter’s Godmother.

We were the annoying parents who kept talking with the doctor while other patients were waiting. Even worse, it was not for medical reasons.

After receiving our printout and prescription at one of our first appointments, we stayed at least twenty minutes for a conversation about late night talk show hosts, politics, and Saturday Night Live.

From then on, my wife Vanessa and I looked forward to pediatric appointments with our children’s first pediatrician, Dr. T., because we wanted to catch up on so much beyond our children’s health care.

When Dr. T told us she was moving to be closer to family in Michigan, it was a big loss.

We were honored to know she felt the same. She told Vanessa she wanted to stay in touch. They exchanged numbers. Dr. T. became Hayley.

They text with each other throughout election seasons. We try not to reach out with too many medical questions . . .. We exchange holiday cards. Hayley even submitted the most talented and creative birthday wish for Vanessa’s 40th birthday video — a musical performance of You’re Simply the Best.

— —

— —

How to become friends with your pediatrician: Vanessa’s four steps

Vanessa is the only person I know who has become friends with her dentist, kids’ babysitter, yoga instructor and acupuncturist.

Though I am calling my four takeaways from watching Vanessa build strong relationships over the years “Vanessa’s four steps,” they are my distillation of what she does naturally.

— —

1) Listen closely with empathy, confidentiality, and nonjudgment

Vanessa is a magnet for very personal questions.

In one not atypical instance, a clearly distraught manicurist — whom Vanessa had met for the first time that day — scanned the room to ensure her supervisor was gone. She then cupped her mouth to quietly ask Vanessa if a doctor would know if she was a virgin, at an upcoming appointment for which her husband-to-be was joining.

Vanessa blushed — and proceeded to answer her questions.

—

Vanessa is a close friend to many because she is there for them. She is often a friend’s only confidante because she listens closely and doesn’t gossip about what she has heard.

Vanessa also recognizes even when the right answer is obvious, people need to come to it themselves. Ironically, her letting people come to answers themselves is why they keep coming back to her. She asks open-ended questions or reflects back what people say — at most gently guiding them to the right answers they already hold.

— —

2) Respond with New Jersey passion

Though she swears she is an introvert, everyone thinks Vanessa is an extrovert. She greets people with warmth, enthusiasm, and her native New Jersey-style passionate communication. As my date for many fundraisers, galas, weddings, and more, Vanessa always makes the evening better for the new people she meets, because she listens and responds with enthusiasm.

—

The Social Centers hosted our first gala in quite some time (coincidentally, also my first gala as an Executive Director) at Suffolk Downs in East Boston: a storied, but now closed racetrack that our hosts, HYM Investment Group, generously let us take over. Vanessa found a vintage postcard of the racetrack, and gave it to me after the gala with a note so gushing with pride that I am embarrassed to share the contents here. I keep that postcard on a stand on my workoffice[1] desk.

Vanessa is the greatest cheerleader for everyone she loves, especially our kids and me. She sees and encourages the potential beyond what we are doing, beyond what we see. She cheers with that New Jersey passion — telling our kids how proud she is with almost wild excitement, her smile stretching ear-to-ear, and sometimes even shouting joyfully at an uncomfortably loud level.

— —

3) Keep it positive

Building off #1 and 2, Vanessa brings that listening and cheerleading to any conversation where someone feels wronged or faces a tough situation. She is fully in her friends’ or family member’s corner first. If I really am wrong, and only if I ask her to tell me, she tells me gently and lets me know she sees my perspective first.

In all her relationships, she gives far more than the famous five recommended pieces of positive feedback for every one negative. Moreover, she makes the positive stand out with her passion.

— —

4) Be caring, generous, and consistent

Many of us talk with the people who cut our hair, but most of us don’t become friends with them. As I was preparing this blog, I asked Vanessa how she became so close with her hair stylist, Lesa.

They too exchange holiday cards — and holiday gifts. They meet up for yoga and drinks. Lesa helped welcome Vanessa into town and introduced her to local people and businesses. As Lesa reduced the number of days she cut hair to begin organizing and design work, she kept Vanessa (and added her family members) as clients.

Vanessa said they immediately bonded over shared connections in the Jersey Shore, a love for Bruce Springsteen and a shared interest in natural healing. Vanessa shared excitement over Lesa’s new business and a budding new relationship — and they became even closer when Lesa’s beloved dog passed away and Vanessa showed up with a card and remembrance stone. As she always does, Vanessa kept following up to see how she was doing after that loss.

Vanessa deeply values their special relationship, which all began with mutual caring, generosity and consistency.

— —

— —

There are many reasons 6’5” I look up to my 5’2” wife. By following her path to connection, I hope to be a better me.

When more of us strive to be friends with our pediatricians, hair stylists and future bosses, we can all build a more joyful world.

Stay joyful, East Boston.

— —

Please share, subscribe, and join our movement by emailing me or supporting East Boston Social Centers. Look out each week for our posts about boosting joy the only way we can: in community. And join us in celebrating Joy:us on September 29.

— —

[1] My children’s name for it.